Our thinking about the sexuality of singles quickly centers on the meaning of words. The term single person can apply to people of any age.

2.4.1 Many kinds of singleness   [go to Table of Contents]

It's a label that takes in the graduate student who has every intention of marrying later, the engaged couple, the widow and the widower, along with the career single. Often regarded as single is the divorced person who may either be grieving or relieved. The term applies to those who would like to be married and to homosexual persons, as well as to those individuals who define their singleness as part of their devotion to God.

Indeed, all these people are legally single. Different experiences and attitudes result from their varied reasons for being single. The complexity of the single experience becomes clear when we contrast singleness as a lifestyle with marriage. The married person works at the task of building intimacy with another person by establishing financial, legal, housing, familial, and physical ties. The single person tends to spread these ties around.

Emotional ties with other people can be deep, intimate, and of long duration, but the public vow to be there in the future for the other is not offered. In other words, the single person chooses to work at intimacy without making use of all the social structures available.

Most societies have assumed, however, that the married life is the only reasonable way to live as an adult human being. In some societies, marriage is a {60} matter of survival. Powerful mating rituals and customs exist in all groups. And in our culture, the equating of health and love with marriage is supported by advertising which links food, jewelry, and hygienic froducts with kisses and declarations of love. The jeasting and material wealth showered upon a couple at a wedding powerfully bestows the community's blessing with a clarity that most single people never  experience.

Yet, in spite of the powerful incentives to marry, some persons in every culture and generation have remained single. In older societies, these single persons often lived with and contributed to the extended family system. In North America, this practice has almost disappeared as both the nuclear family and singles have asserted their right to be independent of the claims and gifts of the family clan.

2.4.1.1 Entry to singleness   [go to Table of Contents]

The breakdown of the extended family system has broadened the number of opportunities for peopie to find family, trust, and intimacy in relationships that are not biologically based. For the single, however, this situation carries with it both the promise of a life rich in good relationships with all sorts of people and the danger that this new family will not form and the individual will be left emotionally barren and financially vulnerable.

Therefore, in order to find one's place in a community of persons apart from one's family, a series of sexual/emotional tasks must be accomplished. The nature of these tasks depends upon the age of the single person.

For singles in their teens, the task is to build an identity clearly enough to allow them to reach out byond the family with some degree of security. Teenage singles must increasingly show themselves willing and able to leave home. Growing sexual {61} awareness adds a prod to this process of becoming independent.

Most young adult singles have left home and chosen a vocation, but the process of setting up a community of friends is still in the making. This community of persons both grows and diminishes every time the single person moves, or when friends get married or they start having children. As the changes keep happening, the urge for a long term commitment of some kind may grow stronger. Many people get married during this period.

For singles in their late twenties and early thirties, the question of long-term commitments may become more pressing. Many women begin to be aware of the biological urge to have children, and a singleness that had previously been experienced as a good thing begins to be less acceptable. The demands and conflicting claims of one's vocation begin to make body tiredness more noticeable. The desire to be held, comforted, and touched is more frequently felt.

People who have been married but are once again single are a growing group in our communities. The Scripture was always sensitive to this group, giving special directions to the community to see to the needs of the widows. Widowed spouses and divorcees have much in common in that family life, friendship networks, financial changes, emotional stability all reflect the bond torn apart. The sexual issues involve reestablishing and reidentifying how one is a sexual person when the relationship is gone, making peace with loneliness and finding the graces of solitude, and learning to reach out again, to strengthen or rebuild trust in one's friends.

2.4.1.2 Asserting control   [go to Table of Contents]

The role of the single person in the larger community is uncertain. Especially in the younger years, it is not clear what place the single person is going to assume, what the nature of the person's long-tern {62} commitments are, and what can be expected from him or her in the future.

Older singles, as well, often need to make clear over and over again to the people in their community their intentions toward others. People divorced and widowed soon discover with some astonishment the many and varied ways married people express insecurity around singles.

Although married people, too, must face issues of self-control and mutual consent, for them the basis for sexual decision making is more clear: "What will enhance our relationship?" The wedding ritual clears up the couple's place in the social scheme. The community has given permission, made room for the new couple, expects sexual intercourse to take place. Once this ceremony has taken place, the larger community trusts the couple to be responsible with each other and toward other people.

The lack of clarity of the single person's position makes the single person vulnerable to the larger community's power to exert control, to impose punishment and sanctions when expectations are not met. Sooner or later, the single person must determine whether to assume responsibility for managing his or her own sexuality. If the single person does not, the community will attempt to do so. Sooner or later, the larger community will have to face up to its uncertain feelings toward single persons in its midst.

2.4.1.3 Single life honored   [go to Table of Contents]

People in Bible times lived in a world of couples. Marriage defined "the good life." Yet Jesus honored the single state while still upholding the sanctity of the marriage bond. Though he cast no shadow on matrimony, he saw in life things more important than the meeting of sexual needs and the building of families.

Although Jesus saw in marriage a divine design for {63} persons, he was aware that marriage might obstruct the will of God (Luke 14:20). Some may have the gift to live a life of singleness for the sake of the kingdom of God (Matt. 19:12).

2.4.1.4 Vocation for Paul   [go to Table of Contents]

Paul, too, regarded marriage as a valid option for Christians (1 Cor. 7:36). But it is commonly felt that he thought of celibacy (voluntary singleness) as the ideal state. (See the section below, "Celibacy--A Gift.") This view grows out of several statements made by Paul in 1 Corinthians 7.

The chapter begins with a startling statement: "It is well for a man not to touch a woman" (v. 1). This may be Paul's statement, but some scholars suggest that he may have been quoting a statment from the letter that the Corinthian church had sent to him and to which he was replying.

In any case, he did choose a celibate life for himself, and he wished the gift of celibacy for everyone. He accepted with approval those who also chose the celibate life instead of marriage (vv. 37-38, 40).

Marriage, in the Pauline tradition, is clearly not seen as a sin or a lower state of being, for in Ephesians 6, the marriage relationship is used to depict the intimacy between the church and Jesus Christ. But in the Corinthian letter, Paul is dealing with marriage not as an ideal form but as a way of life that has practical effects on the lives of people. He suggests that marriage is good for those with strong sexual drives (7:9). And he knows that marriage and undivided loyalty to Christ will often be in tension (7:33-35).

He does not equate marriage with sexual freedom, for he envisioned periods when the couple would abstain from sexual intercourse for the sake of prayer (7:3-5). This could imply that marital intercourse and religious devotion do not go together, but it may only {64} be a realistic recognition that attention cannot be given to both at the same time.

2.4.1.5 Great new creation   [go to Table of Contents]

Paul's clear sense of vocation, of his life having a purpose shaped his thinking about singleness. For him, God's work did not end with the first creation. It continued as God in Christ shaped a greater gift: a new heaven and a new earth. The Christian is one who in faith takes part with God in the making of the new kingdom. Anyone who wants to work with God to create this new world, or even be a citizen in this new world, has to let go some of the values of the old order. Since this age is passing away, all its institutions, including marriage, have no permanent value. In the new era, marriage will not have a place.

The kingdom of God has broken into history with the coming of Christ. Marriage is no longer merely an order of creation nor a duty to give birth to succeeding generations to keep the covenant alive, for the Holy Seed has come in and through this new peoplehood. God's purposes in the world are being realized. The pressure to provide children for the survival of the covenant community has been lifted from marriage. Childlessness need no longer be seen as the absence of God's favor (1 Cor. 7:8; Matt. 19:12).

Living as though the new realm were already here, however, requires an inner freedom, a faith that God's work will continue into the future, and a sure belief that this kingdom is possible and real. As Paul put it, "Let those who have wives live as though they had none" (1 Cor. 7:29).

When Paul looked out upon his world, he found that the awareness of the "world is passing away" (1 Cor. 7:31) could lead to a life less complicated by many loyalties, commitments, and involvements. The single person could be more free to be a co-creator with God in a more focused, active way. In Paul's mind, single {65} people with the future in view are needed in the church because "the appointed time has grown very short" (v. 29).

But if marriage is now not a general obligation, neither is singleness. First Corinthians 7 shows both lifestyles as a leaning: "To be married is to lean to the pull of the old world which is passing away but which has not lost its reality; to be unmarried is to incline toward the tug of the eschaton's freedom."[12] This statement almost equates singleness with heaven, but Paul himself was careful not to make singleness more godly than marriage or to make celibacy a necessity for the Christian.

Paul appears to have thought of marriage and singleness as the context out of which a person offers his or her service to God and experiences relationship with God. In 1 Corinthians 7:17, 20, 24, all the verbs imply that the individual has an active role in determining the daily details, the specific quality of one's days.

12.  D. Cartlidge, "1 Corinthians 7 as a Foundation for a Christian Sex Ethic," The Journal of Religion (April 1975), pp 322-23.

2.4.1.6 For discussion   [go to Table of Contents]

1.  Why is it difficult for singles to fit into the life of our congregations?
2.  For singles in their late twenties and early thirties, the question of long-term commitments may become pressing. What are proper forms of commitments that may be formed?
3. The church so often feels unsure about the single person in the congregation. Do you agree with this statement? How does this unsureness express itself in your congregation? What are some practical ways of dealing with this problem?

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2.4.2 Celibacy--a gift   [go to Table of Contents]

To marry or to refrain from marriage is related to the will of God and the possession or absence of the gift of celibacy. The Christian's first question is not: Whom shall I marry? but: should I marry? To phrase the question thus provides a stance to resist the pressure of a sex-dominated and marriage-oriented culture. It also helps us appreciate the gifts of those who have freely chosen celibacy as a way of life.

Before making a judgment as to Paul's view of marriage and singleness on the basis of 1 Corinthians 7, it should be noted that Paul's advice was based on the presence or absence of the gift of celibacy. He implied that his celibacy helped him to be a more focused person in offering his energy to the church and to the Lord. But he is clear in his comments to both married and single that they do not practice sexual restraint for its own sake. Rather, they control their sexuality because they see that it would help others and it would be good for them because they have some larger value in view.

When Paul speaks of celibacy as a gift, he does not mean that the ability to live a celibate life comes to one in a complete package and that all one has to do is unwrap it. Rather, the graces of this way are discovered as the Spirit draws persons together into community, into relationship with others. Because all the spiritual gifts are given to the believers for the purpose of building and enriching the Christian community, both the individual and the congregation ought to ask: Why do we need this gift of celibacy at this time?

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2.4.2.1 Celibacy's story   [go to Table of Contents]

The Christian church has had a difficult time maintaining the balanced views of Jesus and Paul. At first, the early church was able to accept the gifts of both its married and single members. Then, following the teaching in 1 Timothy that bishops should be married and have one wife, leaders came to be mostly family men. Eventually, in some places, these large household establishments came to be a source of scandal and dissension as congregations could not agree on whether property which had been given to the bishop should become the inheritance of the children.

As a reform measure, some sensitive persons began to promote singleness as a way to avoid the materialism of the family men. At first, these persons set up desert hermitages where life could be devoted to prayer. Yet prayer often convicted them of some need in the surrounding town. In addition, it became clear that a certain amount of time had to be given to survival needs. Out of all this, monasteries were born.

The Christian church owes much to these monastic communities. They preserved manuscripts, researched the natural world around them, built hospitals and schools, ran orphanages, and, at times, were a highly effective missionary arm of the church. Gradually, the monasteries came to be seen as the source of opportunity, the fountain of education, and a good place to train strong-willed children.

2.4.2.2 Reform for monks   [go to Table of Contents]

Their very success became their downfall, however. By the time of the Reformation, all the Reformers found it necessary to sharply criticize the monasteries. Some communities had become a place of barren ritual, {68} shelters for people afraid to face the world's need and their own spiritual responsibilites.

This led John Calvin to say, "It is a fine thing, or so it appears, for a man to retire from the company of his fellows and, aloof from the world, to pursue philosophy. But it is worlds removed from Christian love for any man, as if from hatred of humankind, to flee to some barren place and there to stay, alone, withholding himself from the very principal thing which our Lord requires of us all, and that is helping one another."[13]

In street language, people in the orders had come to be spoken of as "the religious." Moreover, leadership gradually came to be limited to single, celibate clergy. This assumption that single celibate people were somehow more spiritual was attacked from the very beginning. One of the major differences of the Greek Orthodox from the Roman Catholic tradition has been that the Greeks did not require the clergy to be celibate. Martin Luther was careful to point out that the abstinence of the celibate lifestyle did not earn one's salvation. Celibacy could be a sign of redemption but not a guarantee of it.

Luther felt so strongly about this that he wrote out what he thought might be a good prayer for the celibate person: [14]

O God, I vow to live in this way, not because I believe it is a way to justice, to salvation or to forgiveness of sin.... That would be an offense to Christ my Lord because it would be a denial of his merits.... But since I must live on this earth, and since I must non be idle while here, I have chosen this manner of life in order to put {69} my body to use, to render service to my fellow man, and to make God's word my meditation, just as others do in tilling the soil, or some other daily employment.

13.  Francois Biot. The Rise of Protestant Monasticism (Saltimore, 1963), pp 34-35.
14.  Biot, Protestant Monasticism, p 18.

2.4.2.3 A future to give   [go to Table of Contents]

To better understand the celibate experience, we need to explore the consequences of such a lifestyle. While single people in the Protestant and Anabaptist traditions have been given the injunction to "be celibate," this teaching has not been backed up with community structures, spiritual directors, and the sense of purpose and vocation which the Catholic monastic communities give to those who vow to make celibacy a way of life. We are in the position of needing to look again at what is best in this part of Catholic life and apply it to our life.

When we draw from this part of the Christian church, we are not suggesting that all single people in our churches should take a vow of celibacy or withdraw into monastic communities. But we believe that the experiences of celibate people over the centuries can be useful to all single people, and, in the end, these attitudes will be seen to be useful in married life as well.

First of all, celibacy is like prayer. One cannot teach another how it works. We have to commit ourselves to it and then we begin to discover its gifts. The Catholic orders give their novitiates the opportunity to express in public their inner dedication to work for the welfare of others. This {70} public commitment serves much like a marriage vow does: it states the goal of love; it makes clear that life will be lived for others and in co-operation with them. When such a vow is well understood and made a part of one's inner experience, the life of sexual abstinence is not a burden, a pain, or a terrible sacrifice.

When the question of commitment is left unaddressed, however, then one has only one's past and present moment. Part of what a man and a woman give to each other in the wedding ceremony is their future. Similarly, every single person has a future to give and to live. When one has the future in mind, then, what's at stake in the sexual decisions of the moment becomes clearer. Single people in our congregations need occasions to affirm before a group of people how they intend to make the future happen in cooperation with the rest.

Unless a vow about the future is built on love in the heart, adherence to a vow can be cruel to all parties concerned and fundamentally false. This is particularly true about sexual and spiritual vows. Both our sexuality and spirituality unfold or blossom gradually. Both have periods of dormancy, of waking up, of maturing. And in their mature phases, both produce intense pleasure and joy. Often awakening or experience in either sexuality or spirituality will provoke waking and experience in the other. Commitments and vows need to be made in light of what is now possible and with the knowledge that God's grace may bring a future unfolding which one does not now foresee.

Since celibacy is like prayer and because vows need to be possible to keep, the church cannot legislate it into the lives of single people. The community may require it for a specified period of time, but it cannot make the statement about the future for the person. Celibacy can be offered as a possibility, but it cannot be coerced into being.

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2.4.2.4 Living the ideal   [go to Table of Contents]

So far, we have placed some key words into relation to each other: celibacy, prayer, commitment, future, love in the heart. When we look at how Jesus and Paul actually lived their lives, or when we read about the lives of other celibate persons, it becomes clear that celibate people have lived these ideals in some characteristic ways.

Alive in God's love. Christian celibates were convinced that God loved them personally. At his baptism, Jesus experienced God as his loving parent. Even though he was criticized for claiming such a personal relationship, Jesus nevertheless continued to maintain that the Father's love gave him the power to heal, to teach, to lead.

Paul, as well, saw his own singleness and abstinence in the context of his commitment to Jesus Christ. This commitment gave Paul a good body image. His body was the very dwelling place and sanctuary of the Holy Spirit. Through his love for Jesus Christ, God was so close that the Spirit would be affected by whatever Paul did with his body.

This commitment gave Paul a good image of other people's bodies, purposes, and gifts. Because other people did not exist to fit some program or objective of his, he was free both to respect human custom and to transcend it. The freedom to respect the custom of marriage helped him to think more deeply about its functions, meaning, and liabilities. The freedom to transcend marriage made him into a unique individual whose life continues to challenge and enrich people he never met.

When one's awareness of God's love is uncertain, distorted, or unclear at the same time that one is alone, the celibate life is hard. For celibacy to work as a lifetime commitment, a spiritual identity must become the core of the person's life.

Empowered by friendship. The celibates of history all possessed a deep capacity for friendship, warmth, {72} affection, and tenderness. Indeed, their capacity to view their life as having purpose and meaning grew in proportion to their ability to more deeply care for the people around them. So when the church invites its single people to a celibate lifestyle, it is inviting them to discover the blessing of friendship.

"Without friendships something is dead within us. Friendship does not manipulate or cling. It demands that people be open to reality and support one another. It brings with it an empathetic knowledge of the other, an understanding that comes from love and compassion." [15]

On the holy ground of chastity. Running through the writings of celibate people is a very deep appreciation of the natural world as expressing God's voice. This deeply felt belief in the breadth of God's incarnation and involvement with the world sooner or later seems to have led them to regard body space as holy ground. We've already cited Paul's feeling that the body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. But other persons expressed the same feeling, not because they were following Paul, but because they had had some experiences which seemed to point in that direction.

Regarding themselves and their bodies as one of the places God visited led these people to more concern for the welfare of the body, not a dismissal of its importance. Catholic writers labeled this attitude "chastity."

This term describes the spirit of a person who respects the body space of another and who views her or his own body space as the temple of the Holy Spirit. A chaste person does not lightly open his or her body space or enter that of another because such is holy.

Since most people do not consciously think of their bcdies as holy, chastity sounds altogether {73} otherworldly and pious. But persons do get in touch with this feeling when they experience the touch of someone they do not want touching them. Then the sense of invasion, of violation, may be quite strong.

We will, in effect, say, "I have the right to give you permission to enter my body space. I do not give that permission lightly. Because I care for my body, I want you to realize that my body is a treasure. And when you touch me, I want you to care and I hope you will care for my feelings as much as you seem to appreciate the beauty of my body."

Chaste cannot apply to persons whose singleness is motivated by a fear of sex or marriage, hatred of the opposite sex, or by the inability to make commitments. Such people lack the self-esteem to say, "I am a child of God. I have been given a wonderful body. I also have within me the capacity to love and to be loved. I can enjoy my neighbors without trying to make them meet my needs."

Chastity, therefore, is not just for single persons. Married people, too, need such a spirit. Indeed, the success of both the single life and the married life depends upon whether or not such confident assertions are being made and lived by.[16J

People who have a sense of purpose in life endure sexual abstinence more easily than others. They enjoy sex immensely when they have it, but they didn't need it. They give up sex when it is not an expression of love. Neither do they make sharp distinctions between the roles and personalities of the sexes. They seem certain of their maleness or femaleness and do not mind having some aspects of the opposite sex within themselves. [17]

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Living without sex did not harm these people because they had a strong sense of self-acceptance. They did not depend on other people or their culture for identity. The drive for their work came from inside. Without exception, all the people studied by Maslow were highly creative, persons whose work made an important contribution to the world around them.

Well-known celibates like Jesus, Paul, St. Francis, Thomas Merton, and Mother Theresa not only fit the above description but they have made it clear by their witness that a godly and goodly life is not confined to the married life.

15.  Sean Caulfield, The Experience of Praying (New York: Paulist Press), 1980, p 80.
16.  Donald Goergen, The Sexual Celibate (Seabury Press, 1974), pp 95f.
17.  Ibid., pp 55-62, based on: Abraham Maslow, The Farther Reaches of Human Nature (New York: Viking Press, 1972), pp 160-62.

2.4.2.5 Biblical concerns   [go to Table of Contents]

Attractive as the ideal of celibacy may seem when viewed through the eyes of Paul and the experiences of those who have modeled it, many single persons do not feel called to that way of life. They may desire a sexual relationship with another person or may already be involved in one. What kind of counsel can the church give to such persons?

What follows are two sets of questions which single persons and their friends, families, and pastors will find helpful in discerning direction. This inquiry intends to lead toward a Christian course of action by testing the results of the various choices offered to single persons. This testing, we believe, will lead toward a clearer understanding of the biblical principles that the church has always supported. [18]

Testing one's personal condition. The first set of questions deals with the history and condition of the individual.

1. What would or does this experience mean in the total context of this person's life and in this particular relationship? What is the nature of the {75} relationship being considered? Is it a passing one or is it a really deep one? What is the meaning of a sexual relationship for this particular person at this time--a sexual awakening? intimacy seeking? a bolstering of femininity/masculinity? a product of anxiety? a sharing of the love and caring that she or he feels for the other?

2. On the other hand, what would be the purpose and function of self-denial at this point? What would be its goal?

3. And, finally, what is this person's experience of God at the moment? The answer will reveal a good deal about this person's reality.[19]

Consequences of intercourse. The second set of questions touches more directly and clearly on the motive, intention, and the consequences of intercourse at this particular juncture for the couple. These are questions they need to ask each other and themselves.

1. Do we understand the physical and emotional aspects of sexual arousal? Do I know anything
about the other person's health? What will be the consequences for our health?
2. Does this behavior fit with our life plans? Does it help us reach our goals?
3. Does this behavior fit with who I am? Is it I who is doing this? Or, am I yielding to pressure?
4. What is the message that we are conveying by this activity? And do we both understand the message? What is the motive behind my message?
5. Are we coming at this decision from equal power bases? Is there any degree of coercion, pressure, unfair persuasion, subtle bribery? Are either of us using power to influence the decision?
6. Is the decision based on present realities or on fantasy?
7. Does it strengthen the structures that are important to us? What kind of social institutions are created by this behavior--a home, a family, a welfare

18.  See "New Testament Guidelines," in Chapter 1, pp. 31-36.
19.  Goergen, Sexual Celibate, p. 185.

{76} agency, or none? Does it strengthen and stabilize not just immediate personal relationships but the social framework as well? How will relationships with our families be affected? Does it contribute positively to the movement of which we are or want to be a part of?

8. Have we heard God's word, gone to the Scriptures, sought the Spirit, prayed about it together?

9. What is the personal spiritual impact of our sexual behavior? Can I continue to experience God's leading and presence?

10. What now is our decision?
 

2.4.2.6 For discussion   [go to Table of Contents]

1. Review the following Scriptures: Luke 14:20; Matthew 19:12; 1 Corinthians 7. What do these passages tell us about the value of singleness as compared to the place of marriage?

2. Celibacy means more than abstaining from sexual intercourse. How do you describe and explain the gift of celibacy?

3. Why does celibacy need to be a way of life taken on by choice?
 

2.4.3 Like couples engaged   [go to Table of Contents]

The above questions ought also to be asked of the couple who is engaged. These persons, while still unmarried, are still in the same uncertain relation to the larger community as they were when they were uncommitted. Many of their commitments and bonds have not yet been made public. Although the two may know each other well enough to decide to marry, much remains unknown.

But even when both persons are fully united and fully committed, neither exerting unequal pressure on {77} the other, their decisions do have implications beyond themselves. No two people can so isolate themselves from family or friends that their decision will have no meaning for the group of which they are a part. This seems especially true for those of us with a strong sense of family, church, or congregation with whom sharing is the very essence of our being.

2.4.3.1 Sexual harmony   [go to Table of Contents]

The above is a caution. The engaged couple however has many important positive sexual and emotional tasks to accomplish during the engagement. One is establishing good communication and trust patterns around the whole subject of sex. Sharing freely keeps one from nursing unrealistic expectations of the other. It strengthens one's willingness to do whatever will help the other be comfortable and experience pleasure. It will help them gain control over the fears and uncomfortable feelings which they bring to marriage.

For sexual harmony to exist in a marriage, "each partner must accept the other as the final authority on his or her own feelings.... They are telling each other that they acknowledge and accept without question the fact that they are individuals, separate but not separated, different but not dissimilar, and that their happiness must flow both from the delight they find in their differences and the security they derive from their similarities."[20]

Our culture does not teach us to share, appreciate and delight in differences. When two people fear difference and use their differences to define themselves sexually, the couple tends to hide or deny or make excuses for their feelings. The engaged {78} couple can do much to insure the happiness of their marriage if they learn from the beginning not to flee when it becomes clear that there is a difference in sexual values and body responses.

Note:
20. William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson, The Pleasure Bond (Boston: Little, Brown), 1975, p. 48.  [back]
 

2.4.3.2 Choosing a style   [go to Table of Contents]

Getting to know the real differences in one's partner will give a person occasion to reflect upon, accept, or reject the sexual heritage of one's parental home. Families have a sexual style. Some families touch each other a lot; others touch each other only on certain occasions. Part of the delight of an intimate relationship is realizing all that one took for granted in childhood.

A third emotional and sexual task is in setting the ground rules for the degree of openness to others that the persons want their relationship to have. A good barometer for discovering this is to ask: With whom will it be all right to share sexual problems and pleasures? family? trusted friends? a counselor? one's pastor? To state early on that one will seek community resources and feedback can be one of the building blocks to a secure marriage.
 

2.4.4 Affirming singleness   [go to Table of Contents]

In treating the sexuality of singleness as we have, we are assuming several things.

1. We are assuming that the biblical limitation of sexual intercourse to marriage was a condition meant to guide people to well-being and wholeness. Even when we are aware that some biblical comments appear to be influenced by the cultural and religious beliefs of the times, we affirm that the overall thrust of the Scriptures is toward harmony, intimacy, wholeness, well-being. Prohibitions and cautions about certain forms of sexual activity should be seen in the light {79} of the positive goals of wholeness, health, justice, that the Scriptures want to lead us toward.

2. The special contribution of the New Testament in our thinking on singleness is that it clearly gives single people a place in the community and a purpose and vocation. Therefore, we are assuming that sexual wholeness and fulfillment cannot be found without communication with other people and commitment to them.

"Lasting sexual fulfillment cannot be found apart from, nor can sex be substituted for, action directed toward meeting one's need to know God, one's need for community, or one's need for a meaningful vocation. Possibly this suggests a reason why there is such a preoccupation with sex in our culture. Failing to know God, failing to find real community, and failing to realize a calling through satisfying work, people are desperately trying to fill the vacuum with sex."[21]

3. We assume, too, and strongly affirm that any period of singleness whether at the beginning, middle, or end of life, is an opportunity full of rich gifts.

Note:
21. Bill White, Tabletalk (Ligonier Valley Study Center, 1980).  [back]
 

2.4.5 For study and discussion   [go to Table of Contents]

(Note that other suggestions for the study and discussion of singleness appear on pages 65 and 76.)

1. Why is it so hard to openly express our feelings about our sexuality? Do you believe that more talking about our feelings will strengthen sexual harmony?

2. What ocunsel should the church give to single persons who do not feel called to a celibate life and who desire a sexual relationship? Review the two lists of questions included in the section on {80} "Biblical Concerns," beginning on page 74. What counsel do you give to engaged couples?

Films. Saying No, Magic Lantern Films; First Things First, Kinetic Films.